Chew! Don't Swallow!
I'm a little late blogging today, because I'm in the middle of finishing the sequel to my book, Knocked Up: Confessions of a hip-mother-to-be. The sequel will be called Knocked Down. It will be in stores in 2007.
And it's taking me a little longer than I expected to write, because I have mommy brain - which means I have memory loss, and can barely remember my own name. I can't, for the life of me, remember what happened after The Dictator turned one. Anyway, that's my problem, not yours. Sorry to bore you.
Moving on to more interesting things...
Two days ago, The Dictator told me, "I want bubblegum."
I'm like, "Do you even know what bubblegum is?"
How the heck does The Dictator know what bubblegum is, considering I don't ever remember chewing bubblegum in front of her and it's not like we have any bubblegum in the house. Maybe I haven't been paying attention enough to Barney. Does Barney chew bubblegum?
But I promised The Dictator I'd buy her bubblegum if she peed in the potty. (I'm all about bribing) And she did. So I had to take her to Shopper's Drug Mart to buy her a pack of bubblegum, because a promise is a promise. And even though The Dictator can't remember what she ate for dinner, two minutes after finishing her dinner, she remembered my promise to buy her bubblegum
"Bubblegum now please," she kept saying.
I bought a pack of Trident bubblegum. The last time I bought Trident bubblegum was probably when I was 8 years-old. Anyway. Once we got home, I gave her half a stick and, I swear, I've never seen anything cuter than her chewing gum.
Then, suddenly, she stopped chewing.
"Where's your gum?" I asked The Dictator.
"I don't know," she said, shrugging her shoulders.
Obviously she swallowed the gum. I guess she didn't quite understand the instructions I gave her, which were, "Chew. Only chew. Don't swallow. Just Chew. Do not swallow. No swallowing. Just chew."
I gave her the other half. And, again, watching her chew was so overwhelmingly adorable, I almost cried. Until she suddenly stopped chewing.
"Where's your gum?" I asked The Dictator again.
"I don't know," she said, shrugging her shoulders.
So, apparently, The Dictator knows what bubblegum is, but she just doesn't understand the concept of what to do with bubblegum.
At the very least, I guess I should be grateful she didn't spit it out into my hair.
P.S. Please take a look at all the mommy businesses listed on the side of my blog. There's some good stuff there. Anyone out there invented bubblegum that little ones don't swallow? Just wondering.
posted by ninepounddictator at 7:30 PM
9 Comments:
Oh relax. I've always been a gum swallower. Never hurt me. Good prep for oyster eating in my later years.
"Just pretend it's the world's biggest loogie... Yeah.. there you go. See.. Told ya!"
8:36 PM
My mom bribed my sister with frilly pretty big girl underwear. She now is a shopaholic. I was bribed with getting to have a sippy cup (of water) at night. I now am always thirsty. (I think I got the short end of the stick there.)
Try childish gum like bubblicious, if it tastes funner she might be more inclined to keep it in her mouth longer. Might just make her swallow faster though too.
11:54 PM
Bubblegum was like the holy grail for my son during potty training and he too was a swallower. So despite how crazy cute he was chewing it, I ended up waiting a few months before trying again when the "don't swallow. please don't swallow. remember that mommy said don't swallow." instructions started to make sense. But now he's 4 and it's the opposite - he never swallows. We were on a plane recently and gave him gum for his ears and like 5 hours after we landed he was still chewing it. Gross.
Congrats on the book too. Great title.
1:25 AM
My son is sooo fascinated with gum now. He could litetally watch me blow bubbles for hours. I can only imagine the ways in which I can use it to bribe him when he gets old enough to chew. Thanks for the advice.
3:57 AM
It’s not just kids who have the chew-don’t-swallow problem.
On our honeymoon, Beloved and I went to Paris. Sitting on the runway, I popped a piece of gum into my mouth and realized I had only one left in the package. Beloved asked for a piece and I told him, “No, not until we are about to take off. You’ll swallow it before we’re airborne.”
He was offended by this affront to his masculinity. “I am a grown man, and if I want gum, I’ll chew gum. Now give it to me.” I declined, he insisted, I refused, he demanded. Finally, I relented and gave him the gum.
As the plane taxied down the runway, I looked over and noticed his decidedly stationary jaws. “Ahem,” I began in my most non-judgemental-but-I-told-you-so voice, “where is your gum?”
I got a lot of mileage starting out our marriage with that victory.
6:22 AM
danigirl,
that was really funny!
Rebecca, I can't wait to buy your new book.
Right now I am reading "the bitch in the house" and I am not sure if it makes me sad or laugh. Both, I guess.
I have been tempted to start writing my memoirs, too. Up until 6 months ago, my life was a carbon-copy of Carrie's in the sex n'the city. Now, I feel like I am playing Charlotte. I have dated the gay, the psycho, the player, the stalker, the jerk, the bum and the politician (white, asian, middle eastern, jewish and athiest).
Now, I just want to settle down! It aint gonna happen, until it happens, I guess!
6:53 AM
uhhh -- hello? giving chewing gum to a two-year-old?
earth to mommys -- don't give chewing gum to toddlers.
6:58 AM
DaniGirl: too funny!
Rebecca: can't wait to read "Knocked-Down!"
11:19 AM
That is just too cute with the bubblegum. I don't think very many kids "get" what to do with it- I don't think I stopped accidentally swallowing the stuff until like last week, LOL.
3:17 PM
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