Rebecca Eckler is one of Canada's most talked about newspaper columnists, the author of Knocked Up: Confessions of a Hip Mother to Be, which has been translated into nine languages. Also the author of the bestsellers, Wiped!, Toddlers Gone Wild, and Rotten Apple, the first in a YA series. Random thoughts on life in the competitive world of modern mommyhood. Blog will be loved by trendy mothers who still feel, or often feel, that the most important word in "mommee" is ME!

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Oy! My Mommy Legs

Ok, it's kind of a two-post kind of day. This is what happens when you have a very long day. I'm like, did I or did I not blog today? Was that yesterday, or was that only a few hours ago? Anyway. Here I am.

My legs! My legs! I have Mommy Legs. Oy.

It's really someone else's fault that I noticed my legs in the first place. Generally, I'm too busy gazing at my navel to notice my legs. That's a joke. Hardy-har-har.

One of my friends is having a book launch next week because she has written a book and it's going to be published (I'll write more about this book later, because it is really, really good and deserves its own post and for people to go on Amazon and buy it.)

Anyhoo, we were talking about my friend's launch, which I will be attending, and I said something like, "Oh, I just want to look good at your launch," or, "What should I wear?" or, "I've gained too much weight this winter to wear anything sexy," or something very-girly like which you can only say to your closest friends.

Her answer was, "I think you should wear a mini skirt with heels." I don't know why, but as soon as she said "mini skirt" I looked down at my legs and, no joke, I had to turn away. (It's also weird that she suggested I wear a mini-skirt, considering I've known her for 8 years and never once have worn a mini-skirt in front of her.)

I'm not talking about veins here, although I do have one or two or three or four of those (just another wonderful aftermath of pregnancy.) There are, no joke, 15 bruises and/or scratches on my legs. A six year-old girl, at a bug infested summer camp, learning to roller skate, has nicer legs than I do at this moment.

My legs are definitely Mommy Legs. Four days ago, at Neiman Marcus (Neiman Mark-up) The Dictator thought it would be super fun to push the stroller into my legs. She did this about 18 times. No, it wasn't cool, but every time she drove that stroller into my legs, I'd pretend that I was majorly hurt and that would make her giggle. It didn't really hurt at all.

And I kind of love to hear The Dictator giggle. In fact, I'd do almost anything to hear her laugh, including letting her ram a stroller into my legs. Which is why my legs now look like a joke (What's black and blue all over?)

Also, I still haven't recovered from the two slips of January 2006. I think I may be permantly bruised. Is that possible?

The first fall was at the children's pool at The Four Seasons in Maui, where I slipped on the stone pavement around the pool. I meant to tell the management about it, but I forgot. The bruise was so big and so disgusting on my upper thigh, people would come up to me and say, "Ooooooh. What happened?"

The second fall of January 2006 was the night we arrived home from Maui and I slipped, holding The Dictator, on the ice on our driveway. In order to protect The Dictator, I managed to fall on my left leg and she landed on top of me. I still sometimes limp from that fall.

And then there are the million times a day I'm running to rescue The Dictator from almost-falls, and almost-spills, when all I do is end up hurting myself, banging my legs on tables and coffee tables and stupid baby gates. Has anyone else tripped on Jumbo size Lego, or is it just me?

In fact, I really think I need to be child-proofed. I basically need a child-proof gate around my body to make sure I don't injure myself.

I won't be wearing a mini-skirt in the next few weeks, if ever again. No, I definitely have pants-only legs now, thanks to The Dictator. Oy.


Blogger Jezer said...

Don't worry! I caught a glimpse of my knees in the mirror last night, and I swear they look just like Britney Spears's.

Double Oy.

Really? I'll bet you could totally pull off something sexy.

6:10 AM


I guess it's best to always stay 2 steps ahead of our kids.LOL

6:28 AM

Blogger Bahar said...


I have had bruised legs all my life. One doctor told me, because blood circulation is slow in some areas (e.g. knees) it takes time before bruises are healed.

A bruise on your knee, could take 3 months to go away.

However, if you are careful for a month or so, you might be able to get rid of them. I wonder if massages help.

7:40 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't worry Rebecca, I don't even have children and I still have bruises and scratches on my legs all the time. I am always running into things. Maybe you should go for the skirts and embrace it, it kind of makes you look dangerous and brave! By the way, you might be surprised that someone without kids reads your blog, but I find your writing very funny and refreshing so it's a great distraction, kids or no kids. Hope you keep it up.

8:38 AM

Blogger petite gourmand said...

soooo funny.
I just had the same realization while shopping for spring skirts (no where near mini..more like a-line to the knee....) but to my horror I looked in the mirror to witness what looked like a bad beating had occurred to my legs! various shades of green and purple.
and that doesn't include the v.veins. nasty.
no clue how they got there??
looks like capris for me again this summer....
p.s I noticed sharon stone had some bruises on her legs in an episode of Huff. Maybe bruised legs are the next hottest look.

9:15 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is shocking yet fascinating to actually realize that a blog such as this exists.

9:26 AM

Blogger Kristen said...

Ok- first, I turned on "Yummy Mummy" today (for those who don't know, it's a TV show)...and I she says something like "joining us is Rebecca Eckler." I was like, how cool to see someone in action that you "know" from the blogosphere. I mean, someone I consider my Bloggiefriend, LOL. Anyway, congrats!

I have to say, I have what I call mommy boobs! LOL. They had some stretch marks from my "augmentation" before I was pregnant. Now, after pregnancy, they are quite "marked up", for lack of a better phrase. Besides the stretch marks a plenty, I have scratches all over them from my little girl who is fascinated by my "boooo eeeeez." A little girl who refuses to let me cut or file her nails without a fight.

9:36 AM

Blogger Bahar said...

I know you ladies are going to be mad at me, get upset or laugh at me. but there is a question I have to ask.

How bad are the stretch marks on your belly? My cousin had a small lipo+tuck shortly after giving birth, because she souldn't handle looking at herself in the mirror.

I have heard, if you want, you can combine your little lipo+tuck with your C-section. After all, they put you under for at least an hour.

10:37 AM

Blogger scarbie doll said...

The problem with pants is that they all have nasty dried food on them from where my simian son has flung his meals. You can't win.

10:42 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG Sky... please bring up on your own blog... I can't believe you have been told/believe this about c-sections.
And of course good luck on the election... a friend said you ran a great campaign.

11:33 AM

Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Oh those could have been my words .. I SO have mommy legs. And mommy boobs. No one warned me about that part of being a mom...

2:59 PM

Blogger sunshine scribe said...

Oh those could have been my words .. I SO have mommy legs. And mommy boobs. No one warned me about that part of being a mom...

2:59 PM

Blogger Sheena said...

It's not NEIMAN Markup... it's Needless Markup. At least according to an ex.

5:45 PM

Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Oh, dude, don't even get me started. I know that I'm only 5-odd months in, but please. I have a whole new ass. On top of the old one. I don't dare look at the legs. They're going to the Stillwater to get waxed and buffed and prettified before I even so much as glance.

(BTW, thanks so much for your comments at my blog today. The blogtards found me! I was glad for some supportive words to take the edge off.)

6:50 PM

Blogger J's Mommy said...

First time here - love the blog! I have mommy legs too. Actually it's more like mommy knees. Bruised and battered for sure!

6:37 PM

Blogger Kristen said...

I forgot about the mommy ass! Mine used to be a booty, and now it's flatter than a pancake! LOL.

7:38 PM

Blogger Caroline said...

And summer's coming and we'll actually have to get serious about getting rid of that hair. Yep, sporting mommy legs is a nasty thing.

7:31 AM


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