Daddy's Day Disaster?

The Fiance is the type of guy who has everything. And he doesn't have very many hobbies, aside from golf and listening to me moan about my problems, which isn't so much a hobby as much as it is his second job.

Anyway, Daddy's Day is coming up, as I just realized, and I need suggestions and fast!

Actually, I lie. The Fiance does have hobbies. One hobby is cars. And, no, I cannot afford to buy him a ferrari.

He is also very into art. And, no, I cannot afford to buy him a Jack Bush painting.

And he's very into wine (and by wine, I mean alcohol, not me going, 'My ass is fat! My ass is fat! Why is my ass so fat?") And he has a wine cellar that has hundreds of bottles of wine that I'm not allowed to touch, because once I by accident grabbed a bottle to take to a friend's birthday party, only to find out after it was worth about $450.

For his birthday last year, I bought him a treadmill and a cool stationary bike with a built in air conditioner, which he loved. Or so he said. Between the two of us, we've used each about, um, 6 times. But that gift took me about four months to come up with. And I have only, what?, three days before Father's day?

Men are the worst to buy for. The fiance is the kind of guy who pretty much doesn't need or want much, but when he wants something he gets it himself. Digital camera? He bought it for himself. Ipod? Got it for himself. All things to do with golf? Gets it for himself.

And since I am no longer 18, I can't very well make him up a "coupon" for "Sex, baby, any way you want three times a week for a year" or or buy him a pair of boxer shorts with lips all over them. You know what I'm saying?

Last Father's Day, I bought a cup from starbucks that you could put all these pictures in. So I cut out a bunch of photos of The Dictator, stuck them in the cup, and gave it to him.

I was pretty excited about it, because I love photos of The Dictator. But The Fiance looked at the cup I made him for about 12 seconds, said it was "nice," and went back to watching some car race on television.

Now I could go on a rant about how much I hate the word "nice" when you do something you think is very thoughtful for someone. What the fuck is up with the Fiance saying, "It's nice." I kind of expected him to say something like, "Oh, Beck. That was the best present I have ever received and I couldn't have asked for anything better for Father's Day."

But I won't go on that rant because I have bigger problems which is what the fuck should I get him for Father's Day.

He doesn't like jewelry. He doesn't wear cologne. He already owns two expensive watches. He's very particular about what he wears and I don't even know his size.

I'm telling you, The Dude is impossible to buy for. And, let's face it, buying a tie or a book on barbecuing is kind of lame.

Of course I'll get The Dictator to scribble with a marker a line on a piece of paper and sign her name and write out "I Love You Daddy," but let's face it. Men don't see the beauty in art work by two year-olds like mothers do.

So what do you get the guy who has everything? (And, no, he refuses to go to spas, he already has a personal trainer.)

So what are you all doing for a gift for Father's Day?

Because at this point, I may well have to make him a coupon for "Sex five times a week for the rest of your life."

But we all know that would be a big lie.

Suggestions? Anyone?