I'll give you a hundred dollars if...
The Dictator is a bad little girl.
And that's why I had to take a couple days off from blogging. It's because the baby I only very recently bragged about being such a nice little girl has...turned on me. Yes, she has turned on me!!
How could I have been so naive to think that I could escape the Terrible Twos? I mean, The Dictator is now two..and a half!
I honestly believed I was lucky. (Of course, the only things I've ever won was $100 at bingo when I was 18, and a free pair of shoes from a store on Bloor street, which, I'll admit, was kind of nice.)
Literally, I can tell you the day The Dictator turned from good to bad. June 1st, 2006, I can even tell you the time. 9 p.m.
"Time to go to bed," I had said to her.
"No," was The Dictator's response. She had never said that to me before. She always willing went to bed. (At least she's living up to her nickname!)
"Yes, time to go to bed," I had said.
Also, the other day she showed me she was eating a box of raisins. Then she dumped all the raisins on the floor.
Also, the other day she took a cup of water and then dumped it all on the floor.
Also, she's torturing Ruby, the nine-pound-dog-who-limps.
Also, when we had to leave the park she had a temper tantrum.
Also, she gave me a bloody nose. Don't ask. Don't even ask.
When I ask her to do something now, she just says, "No." And then I say, "Yes" and then she says "No." We can go on with this round of "yes" and "no" for twenty minutes.
I'm not good with people who say no. Actually, I'm not good with adults who say "no" to me. If any adult says "no" to me, then I'll somehow manage to get my way, either by begging and pleading, crying, or going to some other adult who will give me what I want.
I do not know how to get The Dictator to do what I ask. I mean, I can't beg and plead with her. I can't cry to her. I can't go and find another baby who will do what I say. I'm stuck with the one I have.
She's so bad, in fact, that I was planning to take her to Toronto with me next week, where I have to go for a couple cocktail parties and meetings, and I thought, "There's no way. She's too bad."
So I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. I've been too busy bribing. That's right. Bribing.
"I'll give you a piece of gum if you get into your car seat." And, "I'll give you your baby doll if you go upstairs." And, "I'll give you a bottle of milk if we get you into your pajamas." And "You can only shower with me if you be nice."
Bribing bites. Bribing is tiring.
The Gods are not looking down at me kindly. I think this mostly has everything to do with the fact that I had blog-bragged about what a nice baby I had.
The Dictator is bad, bad, bad. Do you hear me Gods? Can you make her good again now? I'll give you a hundred bucks...