How do you say LOSER in French?

Help...yet again.

So I've been in Provence for three days now. The Fiance booked me a ticket that I could continue to Italy, with him, or if I decided that I miss The Dictator too much in Provence, I could come back to Canada and not go to Italy and he would go on without me.

I knew the minute I left my Canadian door that I would not be going to Italy. Which sucks, because I've never been. Anyway..

I love Provence. I love the food, the heat, the beautiful countryside. I am thinking about building a place here. (Or maybe I'm thinking about how cool it would be to run into Johnny Depp...)

I missed The Dictator as soon as we were being driven to the airport. I didn't want to break it to The Fiance that, as soon as we walked into our beautiful hotel, I wanted him to call our travel agent and make sure I get back on a flight to Canada on Sunday.

Am I a loser or what? How do you say LOSER in French? I mean, am I a LOSER for missing her so much?

I used to love traveling. Seriously. I could go away for months and be fine with it. I rarely got homesick. In fact, I knew The Fiance was the one for me, because he's the only person I could stand to be with (this was pre-Dictator) for more than 24 hours, without the urge to run out the door and never come back.

Though it seems like I confess my every sin, I'm actually a very private person. I do not like people knowing where I am (in fact, ahem, at my old job at the old place I worked at, I'd actually be far, far away without telling any of my editors where I was...Thank god for technology! I'd save up all my interviews, hop on a plane, and file from...well, a lot of different places.)

Anyway, I'm at the point in my life, where I still have a boss or too, but can now be an honest to goodness full time book writer, and can go where I want, when I want. And I've never wanted to be home so bad. Actually, I've never wanted to be with The Dictator so bad.

The only place I want to be right now is where The Dictator is.

It's the time difference thing. I can't deal with it. Every morning I wake up here, and wait until 4 p.m., to call The Dictator at 8 a.m. her time. And then I wait for a call from her at 1 a.m. this time, waiting up for her call.

I e-mailed with a male friend, who doesn't have children, who wrote to me that The Fiance would be pissed with me because I didn't want to go to Italy with him, and wanted to come home early to be with The Dictator.

I wrote back, after heading to Cannes, that it was a "mommy thing" and he couldn't understand. Even The Fiance doesn't feel the same type of missing I feel.

Though it is beautiful here, and I'm trying to relax. I can't. I have a knot in my stomach at all times. "Is The Dictator enjoying camp?" "Are the counselors making sure she eats?" "Is she wearing suntan lotion?" "Is she happy?"

I literally have thoughts like, "Well, Italy will always be there, but The Dictator will only be 2 years, 10 months, and 7 days just once!"

So, yes, I'm coming home after Provence. I've decided that there will be no more vacations, longer than 7 days, without The Dictator.

I'm not that person anymore.