Rebecca Eckler is one of Canada's most talked about newspaper columnists, the author of Knocked Up: Confessions of a Hip Mother to Be, which has been translated into nine languages. Also the author of the bestsellers, Wiped!, Toddlers Gone Wild, and Rotten Apple, the first in a YA series. Random thoughts on life in the competitive world of modern mommyhood. Blog will be loved by trendy mothers who still feel, or often feel, that the most important word in "mommee" is ME!

Monday, November 27, 2006

I've Been Dumped!

And didn't even know it!

I almost spit up my Special K this morning, when I picked up the Calgary Herald, and saw my named mentioned.

I've been eating Special K, because, apparently, if you eat Special K two meals a day, you'll lose a waist size in like two weeks.

Of course, that would mean I'd need to eat Special K two meals a day, which means I'd have to pack up a bowl, spoon, milk, and my Special K, and bring to the office, which ain't gonna happen. Maybe it will.

Anyway, back to being dumped.

A plug on the front page of the paper caught my attention. It was about friendships between mothers and non-mothers, and how having a baby ruins friendships if your friends have babies and you don't.

So I opened to the Real Life section to read the story, a topic which I find very interesting. I could not give a crap about politics in this province, because it is what it is, but friendships and mothering? Well, of course I'm going to read it.

I almost spit up my Special K when I got to the paragraph where the writer mentioned my name and how she broke up with me when I started writing about Baby Rowan and doing my Mommy Blogger gig in the Globe and Mail.

The writer didn't think we had anything in common anymore because I had Baby Rowan.

It was a really interesting story. The writer mentioned how her friend was pregnant and already there was talk about babies and how she worried her friendship would change. And the writer interviewed a bunch of non-mothers who moaned about changing friendships.

Anyway, first off, I'd like to say, while I love talking about my child, I don't only talk about my child. I also talk about other things, like, um, my Special K diet and why my body has, still after three years, not gone back to the way it was pre-baby.

I also still am obsessed with fashion. I can talk to you about my new Prada winter coat (Which I absolutely needed as it is minus 30 in this city today, and it was a fashion emergency. At least that's what I'm telling myself....It is one warm fucking coat, that's for sure.)

I can talk about my new obsession with Grey's Anatomy, a show I recently got into, so bought the first two seasons on DVD and watched all 32 episodes in a week. I'm in love, along with 23 million other people - not all of whom are mothers - with Dr. McDreamy.

The point is, I can talk about all the mindless things I talked about pre-mother. And they are completely mindless things, which, mind you, I still like to talk about.

I liked the story, even if I was dumped so publicly, without any warning, with someone I didn't even know I had a relationship with!

Here's the truth. The writer is right. Some of your friendships will change. I had this one really good friend and we stopped talking when I got pregnant. I was super busy. She was super busy. Blah blah blah.

She called when The Dictator was born. And I kind of yelled at her. It probably was the hormones, but I was kind of pissed too. I spoke my mind, which was something about her not calling me for the nine months I was pregnant.

Flash forward to today, and now we talk all the time. She now has a baby. But that's not the only reason. Friendships are always changing. Sometimes you grow apart. But true friendships last - even after breaks. I'm glad this one did.

Here's another truth. Friendships changing has more to do with aging, then it has to do with having kids. I think, even if I didn't have The Dictator, my friendships would have changed. People are busy with their own lives. People's interests change.

Yes, you have less free time when you have a baby, but I can't imagine that I would now live the life I led when I was in my twenties, now that I'm in my thirties. I mean, who the hell wants to be out at a bar every night? Certainly not me. And that has nothing to do with The Dictator. That's me.

Not that I ever liked to stay out past midnight, but now I rather curl up at home with Dr. McDreamy, then leave my house at 11 p.m. to head to a crowded bar in a tank-top in winter.

I don't really think I'm that different. Sure, I went to two birthday parties for three year olds yesterday and I'm worried about The Dictator who has a cough and I love her so much it hurts.

But I can also talk to you about my Special K diet...If there's a chance I can win you back.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love Special K (with berries)and believe that it really works...I also hate the Herald...and politics in Alberta.

Maddies Mom

10:58 AM

Anonymous ali said...

now that you are taking the special K challenge AND watch grey's...we can totally be friends.

11:09 AM

Anonymous girlygurl said...

Do you think that women, in general, tend to be dismissive of eachother? Stay at home Mom's dismiss working mothers, childless women dismiss women with children, married women dismiss singles...
Womens' lives ARE complicated but are we all so insecure that we truly believe that there is only one "right" way to live? Maybe I am being naive, but can't we all just stop being so judgemental? Accommodating a friend with kids doesn't sound like such a big deal.

12:01 PM

Blogger mad muthas said...

you can spit your special k at me any time (she says from the relative safety of the uk)

2:57 PM

Blogger Elle_V said...

What is any friendship without evolution? All good relationships change, for better or worse, hell even both.

8:02 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I do agree- it's hard to be friends with someone who doesn't have a kid because even though you do have other things you can easily talk can just FEEL them rolling thier eyes over the phone when you so much as mention your kid. I hate having to feel guilty about bragging about my baby every once in a while...ya know?

9:36 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gosh why would you want to be friends with someone who'd publicly dump you in a newspaper and not even warn you about it???

Was naming names really necessary? Sounds like you have the child and she's just gotten childish.

9:59 PM

Blogger AC said...

I know I drifted away from friends who had kids before I did... and now that I've had a child, childless friends have drifted away from me. There was no malice on my part in the first instance and, as far as I can tell (better check the Herald!) no malice toward me now. You know, there's got to be a lot of insecurity and lack of a well-rounded life if you can get that pissed off at a friend whose life and priorities have changed in a way that can't be accomodated or understood by a friend. Pretty lame, is all I can say.

9:19 AM

Blogger Jen said...

I agree with gurlygirl. I think we as mothers, friends, women spend too much time judging each other and not enough time encouraging each other and building each other up. There is always going to be differences in the lives of friends but any friendship worth keeping will survive it.

3:01 PM

Blogger Haley-O said...

Special K...ew. Tastes like cardboard to me. But, if it really makes you lose weight...? Maybe I'll give that a try!

Love McDreamy, too.

I totally agree that having a baby changes some friendships. I've made more friends and become more social since becoming a mother. But, one old friend of mine shows no interest in my baby, and criticizes my (very normal) attachment to my baby, and so, I want less to do with her. We'll see what happens when she has children....

6:17 PM

Blogger mm said...

No matter what you do with the special K... you chose to have major abdominal surgery...
suck it up it's never the same

1:24 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cereal and Grey's Anatomy -- you're my kinda gal! Oh, and I agree about friendships changing whether or not babies come into the's called growing up, folks! Love the blog, hurry up and get that next book out, 'kay?

6:18 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think it is ignorant of people who have children and dump their childless friends. If their friends are close to their children and are so close that in fact their children regard them as an aunt and there are multi relationships there, to one day wake up and just because a new lady enters the pictures with children the same age, then the kidless frined is out of here.... rude, crude and selfish. Why can't people just open their eyes and see that it is not the childless women that are dumping them because they have children but it can also be the other way around.

1:57 PM


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