I'm...Lost

Ok, so The Fiance left me in our rented house in Arizona this morning, to go back home to work (ha ha) and The Dictator and Nanny Mimi don't arrive until tomorrow.

So what did I do today all by myself? Some retail therapy? Yoga? Spin class? Take a walk? Dip in the pool? Get my nails done? Get my WORK done? Get a facial? Sunbathe? Take a nap? Talk to friends I haven't spoken with in a while?

I mean, really, how many times, once you have a child, can you say, "Oh my god, I'm all alone. I can do anything I want."

I didn't do any of the above.

I did absolutely nothing and hated every moment of it.

Why?

Because the silence is, was, still is, freaking me out! Being alone now makes me utterly depressed. I've been down all day. Within two minutes after The Fiance left, I felt more alone than I've ever felt. Ever.

I used to love being alone. I used to love living alone. Once you become a mother, you think you need some well-deserved "alone time" and you probably do, but then once you get it, it's like, "Now what?"

I could have done so many things today. Instead, I watched the first season of Lost, the television show I couldn't fit into my already booked-solid television schedule, so I bought on DVD box set at Target the other day.

And I felt....lost.

I feel lost without people around me now, specifically The Fiance and The Dictator. I don't know how to deal with completely relaxing anymore, and not wondering what The Dictator is up to, or dying to call to check in on her 124 times a day.

I don't know how to deal with doing nothing, rather enjoying doing nothing anymore. It's funny, too, because all I could think of to make me feel not so alone (after calling The Fiance and The Dictator 173 times in two hours) was to blog.

And so here I am.

And I kind of do feel better. (Thank you.)

I took a spin class earlier this week, for the first time in months and months (I'm on a yoga kick now.) And it was just like...getting on a bike. I remembered how to do it. Will I remember how to enjoy being alone?

I know I liked being on my own at one point. I loved traveling alone. I loved being in hotels alone. I even loved staying home on Saturday nights alone.

And now...well, here I am. Alone. Hating every silent second of it.

I can't wait for The Dictator to arrive.

Having a child really does change you.