Rebecca Eckler is one of Canada's most talked about newspaper columnists, the author of Knocked Up: Confessions of a Hip Mother to Be, which has been translated into nine languages. Also the author of the bestsellers, Wiped!, Toddlers Gone Wild, and Rotten Apple, the first in a YA series. Random thoughts on life in the competitive world of modern mommyhood. Blog will be loved by trendy mothers who still feel, or often feel, that the most important word in "mommee" is ME!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I'm...Lost

Ok, so The Fiance left me in our rented house in Arizona this morning, to go back home to work (ha ha) and The Dictator and Nanny Mimi don't arrive until tomorrow.

So what did I do today all by myself? Some retail therapy? Yoga? Spin class? Take a walk? Dip in the pool? Get my nails done? Get my WORK done? Get a facial? Sunbathe? Take a nap? Talk to friends I haven't spoken with in a while?

I mean, really, how many times, once you have a child, can you say, "Oh my god, I'm all alone. I can do anything I want."

I didn't do any of the above.

I did absolutely nothing and hated every moment of it.

Why?

Because the silence is, was, still is, freaking me out! Being alone now makes me utterly depressed. I've been down all day. Within two minutes after The Fiance left, I felt more alone than I've ever felt. Ever.

I used to love being alone. I used to love living alone. Once you become a mother, you think you need some well-deserved "alone time" and you probably do, but then once you get it, it's like, "Now what?"

I could have done so many things today. Instead, I watched the first season of Lost, the television show I couldn't fit into my already booked-solid television schedule, so I bought on DVD box set at Target the other day.

And I felt....lost.

I feel lost without people around me now, specifically The Fiance and The Dictator. I don't know how to deal with completely relaxing anymore, and not wondering what The Dictator is up to, or dying to call to check in on her 124 times a day.

I don't know how to deal with doing nothing, rather enjoying doing nothing anymore. It's funny, too, because all I could think of to make me feel not so alone (after calling The Fiance and The Dictator 173 times in two hours) was to blog.

And so here I am.

And I kind of do feel better. (Thank you.)

I took a spin class earlier this week, for the first time in months and months (I'm on a yoga kick now.) And it was just like...getting on a bike. I remembered how to do it. Will I remember how to enjoy being alone?

I know I liked being on my own at one point. I loved traveling alone. I loved being in hotels alone. I even loved staying home on Saturday nights alone.

And now...well, here I am. Alone. Hating every silent second of it.

I can't wait for The Dictator to arrive.

Having a child really does change you.

19 Comments:

Anonymous Amy said...

Hi Rebecca,

I'm not a mom but love your blog. As I love your column's and LOVE, LOVE your book! I read somewhere in here you have 2 coming out? I keep checking when Knocked Down is coming out (hurry up!!) What is the other one? Anyways, keep up the good work... and for everyone who dislikes you/your blog, there have got to be 10 who do love your writing and your blog, jealousy is a terrible thing isn't it?

8:07 PM

 
Blogger Cindy said...

I agree, I used to love being alone all the time (I think it stems from having three siblings so therefore never actually being alone) But now, when my husband is gone, I really have NO idea what to do with myself.(although when he is around he's usually bugging me)thankfully we have dogs and a cat so that usually occupies me. I find myself talking to them all the time. Blogging also helps me too, it feels like you're having a conversation (albeit a one sided one).

By the way I bought pants, sandals, a dress, makeup and two shirts. I felt much better after spending money I don't have. I love retail therapy. Makes everything better. Good thing I don't live anywhere near one of their stores...

11:42 PM

 
Blogger ninepounddictator said...

Hey, I grew up with three siblings too - maybe that's why I enjoyed my quiet time too much....and now look at me!!! If I had a cat with me right now, I'd be talking to her....

11:48 PM

 
Blogger chichimama said...

I usually spend my time alone doing laundry and such. So much fun. Hope your reunion with the dictator is wonderful and hug and kiss filled!

5:07 AM

 
Blogger JennC said...

I can relate. Sometimes I'm just dying to get some time alone and get into my studio and then when I'm finally there (after the procrastinating, naps and doing some reading, etc.)... I'm lost.

Motherhood does indeed change you. You aren't the only one.

6:01 AM

 
Blogger petite gourmand said...

I know what you mean. When big daddy is away I can't decide what to do. I had a few extra hours "alone" yesterday after the baby shower and I didn't know what to do with the free time...I ended up coming home and typing a blog.
It really makes you appreciate what you do have when you don't have the important things with you.
Have a fun reunion today!

6:27 AM

 
Blogger sunshine scribe said...

I used to love living alone, eating alone, walking alone, shopping alone. But just like you since I became a mom I suck at being alone!! In fact, on the rare occasion it does happen, I turn on the TV and the radio just to break the silence. I could NEVER have predicted this!

6:31 AM

 
Blogger kittenpie said...

yeah, I have somewhat the same reaction. So I read blogs, read books, watch TV, do a load of laundry, but mostly - catch up on sleep! I'll be doing all of that today - called in sick, since I am a total mess and shouldn't be near other people.

6:37 AM

 
Blogger THETHINKINGSQUARE said...

If you get the chance you should read A Gift from the Sea by Anne Morrow Lindbergh.As a woman and new mother I think you will appreciat the book.Only 130 pages so it is a quick read.

7:56 AM

 
Blogger H & D's mom said...

I completely agree with you on the alone time thing. I have hobbies and interests, and always wish I could have more time alone to do them, but when I'm there in the moment, I think a lot about my kids, what they're doing etc. I also have three siblings...maybe there's something to that? Hmmm...
I'm new to this blogging thing, but when I need adult conversation, it really does seem to help.

Good luck to you. I love your column and your blog!

8:23 AM

 
Blogger MommyWithAttitude said...

I lived alone for several years and before that I had roommates who I always wanted to get away from. Before that I was an only child. I could just never get enough alone time and now, if my husband goes out of town, I'm SCARED TO DEATH to sleep here alone. It's ridiculous. When I feel like I need to get out alone, I can never figure out what to do either.

10:26 AM

 
Blogger Jenn said...

You must be missing the Dictator something fierce. the other day my husband took my youngest with him to The Depot "just to look around", and even though I had my 3 and 4 yr old boys with me, at one point I jumped up, panicked that I couldn't hear/see/find the baby, only to remember after 30 seconds that "oh yeah" He's with his dad at the men's playground (AKA Home Depot). I missed him, and they'd only been gone for an hour.
On those rare occasions when I do get time to myself - I feel lost too. I usually waste time on the computer, and then kick myself later, for not folding the laundry when I had the chance.

2:32 PM

 
Anonymous christina said...

i know exactly what you mean. sometimes my mom takes the kids for anight and when I get back from dropping them off the house feels so dead quiet. it changes you completely.

3:47 PM

 
Anonymous Bored to Tears said...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

4:00 PM

 
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Totally know what you mean. I thought that I would love having breaks from Baby, but when Husband takes her out for longer than it takes me to nap, I get all antsy and stressed. Like it feels wrong, or nakedy (is that a word?), to be alone.

Hang in there, and do keep hanging out with us on the blogs! We're good company!

Postscript to the bored-to-tears blogtard: fuck off.

6:01 PM

 
Blogger Heather said...

Alone time. Lets talk. I can think of a million and one things I'd love to do with it. I just love grocery shopping on my own...wait does that count?

8:24 PM

 
Blogger Her Bad Mother said...

Can't believe I skipped past this point - must have been the deep empathy at feeling emotionally lost - but dude! LOST on DVD! I did exactly the same thing the other week during a spate of alone time. Did you love it?

6:34 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The ladies doth protest way way too much, me thinks.

9:23 AM

 
Blogger Fabricated Goddess said...

I have two boys, and although I admit to having felt lost when my oldest was under 3.... now I have to say, it's lovely when they go away. Last summer hubby took the boys on the first official 'guys weekend - no girls allowed' camping trip. I thought I would hate it. It was just way WAY too awesome for words. I cranked MY music. I cleaned out the toy room (by which I mean packed up and carted off all broken/unloved toys) without the threat of a neuclear meltdown. Not a peanut butter sandwich in sight. Slept in the middle of the bed like a baby two whole nights in a row.

*sigh*

It was heaven.

2:57 PM

 

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